come home to yourself in the new year

Let’s face it, most of my readers are women. Now for all you PC police out there, if you can find me one man who learned to knit from reading my blog, I’ll buy him a year’s worth of Alpaca wool. Otherwise, I think it’s safe to assume my words are read by mostly females. Women who juggle a lot of glass balls, and who worry that if they miss a beat, a ball will drop and break. That’s who we are. Wives and mothers and daughters, all trying to find enough time in our days to keep tasks on our lists marked off, dinners cooked, and everyone’s clothes clean. And occasionally, we sneak off to our craft rooms in search of some self expression. 

In March, My French Twist will be 4 years old. My “year of making beautiful things” turned into 4 years of sifting through craft supplies, learning new skills, and breathing new life into flea market finds. But it has also been a journey of self-discovery, and ultimately the most beautiful thing I ended up creating during these past few years is a new relationship with myself. 

 I’ve always believed it is best to keep personal identities separate from professional ones, but I’m taking a risk right now. I’m going to tell you a little more about myself. My insecurities. My disappointments. Things that can’t always be fixed with a hot glue gun or a needle & thread. 

I grew up in an alcoholic home. Perhaps some of you did, too. Nonetheless, I remember my childhood as tediously normal and basically happy. I became an over-achiever. Graduated from college. Started a business. I eventually even had a book published. And along the way, I too began a love affair with alcohol. A new baby? Let’s toast! A promotion? I’ll raise my glass to that. Before I knew it, celebrating life became synonymous with pouring a glass of champagne or sharing a bottle of wine. 

I don’t have any rock-bottom stories of epic disaster to share with you. I never drank so much that I left my baby at the mall. Never cheated on my husband. My relationship with alcohol was more insidious than that. It crept into my life slowly, sip by sip. In sneaking just one more glass before leaving the restaurant. In worrying that the event we’re attending will be dry. In believing that if I drink my wine from an expensive crystal goblet in a home that is magazine worthy, I don’t really have a problem.

It wasn’t until I decided to give up alcohol that I realized I couldn’t. Five days was my max. I won’t bore you with all the details. Believe me, they’re not all that exciting. The truly exciting part is this. I joined an online sobriety program, and ironically I began learning so much more about myself than I did about addiction. 

I learned that I used to be a dreamer. I remember going to a party as a young mother after just moving into a new, beautifully manicured neighborhood. I remember sharing that I hoped to write a book one day. And I remember people scoffing. Laughing. I had forgotten about that incident until recently, and it made me sad. I loved that inspirational dreamer that I was! But I laughed too, grabbed another beer, and from that day on stopped telling people my dreams. 

I also learned to speak kindly to myself. One day our course assignment was to do just this. To speak to ourselves as we would to a friend. Only minutes after reading this, I finished my coffee and headed to the shower. I stepped on my scales (as I do most mornings) and audibly exclaimed, “You fat piece of …”  At that moment, I stopped. Not only had I actually screamed those words at myself, but they were filled with hatred and cruelty. It was as if I had been struck by lightning. I sat on my bed and tried to understand why I did that, why I do that. Then I knew. My father was always verbally abusive; I was only repeating what I had learned.   I sat there and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I felt so sorry for that little girl that grew up hearing that, and I wanted to hug her and comfort her and at the very least – speak kindly to her from now on.

These are just a few of the things I’ve learned. What it has to do with My French Twist, I’m not sure. Except that in making beautiful things for myself and my readers, I’m also crafting a life that is free of blame and  filled with self-expression. So in 2019, I encourage you to add one more item to your list of projects. Spend some time with yourself. Take a class. Read a book. Do whatever you need to do to gain a deeper understanding of who you are. And learn to love that person. That lovely, imperfect creature with a kind heart and big dreams. Come home to yourself.

“I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”  – Augusten Burroughs

For those of you interested, here is a list of some of my favorite resources I’ve come across this past year:  

(Affiliate links included for your convenience. As an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases. See disclosure here.)

• Hip Sobriety – An online program which includes weekly webinars and homework, an online supportive community, and daily mantras. Freedom from addiction is not just about staying sober for x amount of days. Freedom is never WANTING to drink again. Even if you are not yet ready to commit to full sobriety, this program shows you how to go after your full potential and step into your most authentic self.
• Insight Timer – Rated the top free meditation app for both Android and IOS. I found some very effective guided meditations to help me let go of stress and some to help me relax and and sleep. Some were not my style, but there are hundreds to try!
• An Integral Guide to Recovery by Guy Du Plessis – This book addresses the 12 Step module but goes deeper, explaining how we need to “feed” many different aspects of ourselves in order to become free of addiction. It completely changed the way I think about recovery and self-care.